Invasion of the Proper Nouns

Characters:

Common Nouns: a guy, a store, a crayon

Proper Nouns: Alexander P. McGillicutty, American Eagle, Crayola

An authority on the subject: Officer Wordsworth

guy: Hey nouns! What’s up?

crayon: I heard a rumor.

guy: Really?

clothing store: I haven’t heard a thing.

crayon: There’s a new noun in town. They call themselves The Propers.

guy: Have you met them?

crayon: No, but I’ve heard what snobs they are. They think they’re better than us.

(Enter Proper Nouns)

Alexander P. McGillicutty: Greetings my fellow common man.

guy: Hey!

American Eagle: Hello store. Ha! What kind of a proper name is that?

store: my name is just fine.

Crayola: Melt me down and color me red, I’ve never met such a common looking noun in my life!

crayon: Listen fancy pants, I’ve heard all about you proper nouns—

store: Yeah, we heard what snobs you are.

Alexander P. McGillicutty: Proper nouns have a proper job to do.

American Eagle: Yes. You common folks are fine. You’ve got your people, places and things.

Crayola: We are specialists.

guy, store and crayon: Huh?

Alexander P. McGillicutty: Think of it this way. Do you need ANY store? Just ANY crayon? Will ANY guy do? Then you common nouns are the ticket.

American Eagle: But all stores are not created equal. Quality Dairy will never be AMERICAN EAGLE. And if you only say “store,” how will anyone know which store you really mean?

Crayola: That’s right! Everyone knows that a proper crayon is called a Crayola—that’s with a capital “C”. “crayon” is so—so—

crayon: Common?

Crayola: Now you are getting it!

Alexander P. McGillicutty: And who are you, guy?

guy: I’m a guy.

Alexander P. McGillicutty: But which guy are you?

guy: I’m any guy.

Alexander P. McGillicutty: Precisely. I am the one and only Alexander P. McGillicutty, with a capital “A, P and G.” I am a specific guy. A proper guy. One special guy.

American Eagle: And I’m American Eagle with a capital “A,” and a capital “E.”

crayon: So you Proper Nouns have capital letters. So what?

store: Yeah, capitals don’t matter. I can have a capital any time I want. . . .well, only when I’m at the beginning of a sentence.

guy: I used to like my name.

crayon: Me too, until now.

Crayola: Isn’t this cute? Common nouns thinking they are special. Imagine it!

Alexander P. McGillicutty: It is very hard to imagine common nouns as anything but, well, lower case.

American Eagle: It looks like we got here just in time to set the record straight.

(Enter Officer Wordsworth, an authority on the matter.)

Officer Wordsworth: Wait just a ding dong minute. Before you Proper Nouns get puffed up with pride, I’m afraid I will have the last word on the subject.

Crayola: What do you mean?

Officer Wordsworth: You are specialists, but common nouns have a very special job to do.

Alexander P. McGillicutty: They do?

Officer Wordsworth: Yes. In fact, without THEM, there would be no YOU.

Crayola: Well, I never.

American Eagle: You mean, we’re RELATED?

Officer Wordsworth: Now you are getting it. The world is full of wonderful people, places and things. You, guy, stand for more than just one. You represent thousands! No, millions! NO, BILLIONS!

guy: I always knew it. I’m famous.

crayon: Me, too?

Officer Wordsworth: Yes! Billions!

store: And me?

Officer Wordsworth: Definitely! You are the proud voice of many!

guy: The fancy pants capital letter thing still bothers me.

Officer Wordsworth: Capital letters put their fancy pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.

crayon: I feel a lot better. I’m going to tell all the crayons of the world I will serve them forever!

store: Me, too. Stores everywhere are thankful for me.

guy: I’ve always considered myself a people person. Now I know why!

store: I love being a common noun!

crayon: Me too!

Crayola: Color me green and call me nauseous. I’m going back to my box.

Officer Wordsworth: Can’t we all just get along?

American Eagle: I owe my life to the common noun! Who would have thought it!

(the Propers walk off)

guy, store, and crayon: You’re welcome!